We stopped in a cafe and Jesse was spread-eagled across a table as we hunted for the offending splinter. (He is prone to public displays of illness.) His complaints got louder, saying he had a splinter Behind this behaviour, I decided, was a need for attention. The course emphasises “congruence”, parenting-speak for being honest about our feelings So I tried the direct approach. “Boys,” I said, “I know that you may find this a bit boring but I would feel really embarrassed if you whinged and argued while the guide is with us.”"OK,” Sam responded, “we’ll have a good argument then.”As we walked along there was no disruption until Jesse started to complain about a sore foot. Instead I shouted: “Just shut up, will you?” Sue would not have been impressed.Next morning I arranged a walk with a guide but I was worried that trudging through fields with a local history commentary might not be the boys’ idea of fun.

I’d been fantasising about slamming on the brakes and calling a family meeting but it all went out of my head. Jesse cried, “Jake! I said put your feet down!” I tried to remember what skill I should use for this situation Jake walloped Jesse Jesse screamed. Here there would be no hiding in bedrooms; it would be conflict management versus four boys’ temperaments.An hour into the journey I was feeling peeved because the boys in the back were behaving so well: chatting, drawing, reading comics We passed Oxford and the eerie silence of harmony reigned I was beginning to despair.Two hours later it happened. Could I sit down with Jake, Sam, Jesse and Calum and agree on anything? After five weeks I decided to put the course into practice. The boys and I set off for an autumn weekend in the close confines of a Renault Trafic. Where appropriate, children should be responsible enough to take part in family decision- making processes.At times I felt the chill blast of reality come over me. Instead we were told to support them while handing responsibility for solving problems firmly back to them.

Even “ugly” emotions such as jealousy are best acknowledged and discussed as a way of enabling children to sort out the conflict that bad emotions can create.The key, it seems, is to treat children with the sort of respect that we reserve for adults. For instance, to expect children to share their things is unreasonable. If we have given them something then it is theirs to decide what to do with. Another way of showing respect is refusing to solve their problems.

But as I left my first class, I had doubts about how effective the five-evening course was going to be.As the sessions progressed, the importance of taking children’s feelings seriously was stressed. Calum, aged five, is shy, gentle, sweet and angelic to look at, but in seconds he can cook up a demonic tantrum Believe me, the possibilities for conflict are endless. Yet according to research published to coincide with the launch of the new National Family and Parenting Institute last week, 50 per cent of adults believe they could benefit from parenting classes.I have four very different sons Jake, 15, is serious, dreamy and quick tempered Sam, 13, is cheeky and sociable but can be awkward Jesse, 10, is sparky but sometimes self-pitying. “Level Three, when the situation may be dangerous,” she said, “ask them if the fight is a play fight or real.” It was at Level Four (“dangerous situation”) that we’re advised to intervene.
At the time Sue’s advice seemed about as realistic as stopping a tank with a pea-shooter. Acknowledge their feelings, trust them to sort it out, maybe leave the room.” I picked my jaw up off Sue’s floor. Once Sheffield has joined these dots then you can bet it will be glam up North..